I was talking with a friend (who happens to be single) this past weekend, and it got me thinking about some of the weirdest dates I have been on (Tika’s note: Before he met me, obviously). With the caveat that it’s been over 2.5 years and I’m probably forgetting some really weird ones, here are the 5 oddest dating stories I have.
- The Waiter Adage Holds True
You know how they say you can tell something about a person by the way they treat their waiter. Complete truth. This was probably 5 years ago or so, and one of the first dates that opened my eyes to a facet of dating (which I’ll get to later). I had been texting a girl for a while. The texting was effortless and we seemed to mesh well, so we finally decided to meet up in person for dinner (which is a mistake – do coffee or a drink. It gives you a much quicker out, and it’s cheaper.) We end up going to Mama D’s in Newport Beach (great food by the way), and I can immediately tell things are different. Conversation in person is much more forced and awkward, her pictures look…different (Tika’s note: lol, I guess that’s a nice way of putting it). Whatever, it is what it is. We order food, continue to eat, and talk. As with any good establishment, the Mama D’s waiter checks on us multiple times, asking us if we want water, how our food is, the usual. Around the 3rd or 4th time the waiter comes around, my date snaps at him and says “Excuse me, we were fucking talking.” Verbatim. Uhhhh…he’s just checking up on us. What the hell? I get up, apologize to the waiter, and long story short, never contact her again.
- So You Have a BMW?
Yes, I have a BMW. So does every other brown guy in Southern California. This was disclosed to someone over an OKCupid message, and I thought it was cool that she was super into cars. Fastforward to the first date – she’s asking more about my car. Okay, cool! She eventually asks to see my car, so I oblige. We get in, and she says she’s never been in a 335 – can we go for a quick ride? Sure! So I start to drive, and immediately she starts screaming that I need to floor it, drift, and basically everything that I’d be doing on a track and shouldn’t be doing on normal streets. This time, I don’t oblige, because this guy isn’t about giving free joyrides to people who are apparently more interested in his car than anything else. Anyways, she keeps screaming like it’s a rollercoaster ride, I drop her back to her car, and like the last date (you’ll see a theme here), we never speak again.
- They’re Watching Us.
I vaguely remember the details about this one besides the important ones. We decided to meet in Long Beach because she lived somewhere north and it was a decent half way spot for both of us. We meet at some bar and order drinks and a hummus/veggies appetizer to share. Things get a little weird when she eats about 2 carrots then insists I have to finish the rest because it’s absolutely necessary all the food is finished. I mean, I get not wanting to waste food, but then maybe…don’t suggest we order food if you’re not hungry? As I sit there pondering her views on food, she then says “this is a good location in case we’re being watched.” Wait, what? My poor ears then get a diatribe on how much we’re being watched by the government, other people, etc. I understand questioning things here and there, but her views basically equated to a space alien assault on the horizon. Nope. (Tika’s note: I think the theme here is you attract weirdos….until you met me, of course.)
- Whatcha Hiding?
This was actually the date before I met Tika, which means it was at some point in late-ish 2014. By this point, I had a pretty firm policy about first dates – get a drink or coffee, and that’s pretty much it. Easy to get out of, cheap, and not a huge time commitment, amongst other solid reasons I won’t get into. Anyways, I meet up with this girl at a local brewery in Tustin (if I tell you it’s J.T. Schmidt’s, will they give me free beer?) We have a couple drinks, and she suggests we go back to my place. I kindly decline, since again..first date. So we shoot the shit for a little while longer, as she proceeds to drink more. I then hear the following: “I have something to tell you.” In her less-than-sober state, she then proceeds to tell me she lives with her ex-husband and has a 2 month old. NOPE. (Tika’s note: Wow, I am even more confident now that I am your dream woman.)
- The Ghost of Boyfriends Past
I had gone on several dates with this Indian girl. She was a little too traditional for my taste and still lived with her parents, but whatever. Nice enough girl, and plus she was a decent cook (one day, Tika…one day.) We’re on probably our 5th or 6th date, and we decide to get dinner. Everything seems fine. She then asks if we can run to 85 Degrees Bakery in Irvine so she can buy some pastries for her coworkers for the next day. Sure, why not?
So we head to Diamond Jamboree in our cars and navigate the cluster of horrible parking situation and bad drivers (Tika’s note: FYI, it’s empty at 11:30AM on weekdays!!), and grab the pastries. Now, I’ve parked on the far end of the lot, because in this particular center, you take a spot when you see it. So as we trek back, we dart between multiple cars and parking aisles. A Toyota Prius clearly doesn’t see us, and kind of sort of almost hits us, but not really, as there was enough time to step on the brakes. Phew, okay. Scary for half a second, but that’s about it. Only that’s not it. My date gets REALLY shaken up. All of a sudden, she says she’s super cold, and says she needs a jacket. I happen to have one in my trunk, except it’s got a big, fat, KBB logo on the back. I tell her it’s not stylish at all, and she says it’s fine. We get to the car, she sees the jacket, and says it’s too ugly. Uh, okay. I told you it’s not a Gucci jacket (Tika’s note: LOL, I don’t think people associate Gucci with jackets as they do with bags/shoes). Now she has a headache, and says we need to get coffee. Coffee for a headache? Sure, whatever. We head to a coffee shop right near the car, and wait in line. After maybe 30 seconds, she says it’s taking too long, and storms out the door. What the hell? I chase after her, and she says she needs to head home. Fine by me. It was just a weird turn all around, so I was glad the date was over. The rest of the night is uneventful, we don’t text or talk or anything.
The next day, I get a text. No context, nothing beforehand. “Hey, sorry about yesterday. I’m just freaked out because the guy who tried to run us over in the Prius is my dead ex-boyfriend.” Now, there are some things you don’t bother to ask about, because then Pandora’s Box smacks you in the face. I channeled all of my worldly knowledge, and surmised this was one of those situations. After a couple more texts, it was clear she was being super serious. So what did I do, dear reader? What any sane person would do. I never went on another date with her again. (Tika’s note: And then you met me and all your dreams came true. You’re welcome.)
